Holy oil or gun oil... Or just fuck it?

Been a minute guys. So sorry for the neglect.... I've been wanting to blog but I've been unsure what to talk about and also I haven't sat down and made the time to. I've had a few crazy calls at work lately and thought I'd share some of the better ones. We'll start with nut #1: The Church Mother. One lady wanted to cancel her home warranty with us because she said that we're scamming her and the tech was scamming her as well. I tried to get more information but she wasn't having. I talked to the previous rep she spoke with in my department to get a little more information and made him aware that she wasn't going to keep it. He said he was ready to let her go anyway because she's crazy. Of course I wanted to know what the fuck went down. Turns out that she's one of these religious fanatics that I loathe. This woman put holy oil on her a/c compressor and then tried to anoint the tech as well when he came to make the diagnosis. I just don't understand how you can just try to put holy oil on a person... Would that not count as assault?? It certainly would lead to assault if she'd tried to put that oil on me. I don't take kindly to people trying to force their religious beliefs on others. Enough of my soap box...

Let's move on to nut #2: Gun Smoke. Totally different lady calls and says that she doesn't feel safe because our tech lied to her and replaced her garage door opener with a used one. Surprisingly, the notes corroborated what she was saying. He admitted to using a unit that he had. He also charged her some additional money that he didn't report to our company. I knew that I wasn't gonna be able to keep her from canceling, but I tried anyway. She went on to say that the tech lied to her again and that he was also lying to our company. She said he pretended not to remember her address but was then reciting it from memory. She has a fear that he will try to come back to her house and break in. I'm not sure why because I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that old ass pussy. She said she's in her 70s. Maybe she has a really nice house? I don't know, but the bitch said if he comes back to her house she's going to shoot him. Did I mention that she's from Texas? LOL. So at this point I had to tell a supervisor that she threatened the tech with bodily harm and we would cancel her contract and make her non renewable. I also emailed contractor relations to inform them of the incident. This chick emails me back saying the tech wasn't aware of the lady being unhappy and that the tech was going to call her to talk. WTF?? Why the hell would you further incite this woman to anger? Clearly she isn't all there. I'm beginning to think that the tech and contractor relations need some medical assistance as well.

Nut job #3: The Navy Seal. Dude calls all upset about his a/c being denied for lack of maintenance. He thinks that we're supposed to clean it and shit. Clearly he didn't read the fucking warranty. Maintenance isn't covered, you dick! That's what I wanted to say. Instead I listened and listened and listened. He could really talk. I again tried to explain the coverage to him since the first person he spoke with didn't get through to him. Apparently, he has more water in his head than he has brains. He of course wants to cancel and he wants all of his money. At this point he's only entitled to a prorated refund of around $74. He's uber pissed and just says, "Fuck it! Just give me the $74. Fuck it! And put that in quotes in the notes. Fuck it!" Of course I laughed because I'm an evil fucker and I found this to be hilarious. I also love the word "fuck" and take delight in it's usage. I begin to go over the cancellation policy and a light bulb comes on. He says he needs to talk with his wife before he makes a final decision. I note the account that he's keeping it for now and provided him with my direct number for call back. I tell you, if my life were a reality show it definitely wouldn't be one of those scripted things. I wouldn't need a script because it's just so fucking crazy without one. Where's that holy oil? Aww, never mind. Fuck it!

I Dream of...Work?

Been a minute since the last update but my boo spent all of last week here with me. I'm surprised that we didn't kill each other but we honestly had a pretty good week. There wasn't really any drama that I can recall. The combination of my insomnia and some sort of childhood trauma are both probably affecting my memory I'm sure. Onto the good stuff... Last night I had a dream that I was at work taking calls as always and the customer wanted to cancel...as always. Now somehow my company had become entwined with the porn business as well in my dream. The customer was talking about cancelling because we didn't repair something but also because he was tired of us calling his wife in attempts to whore her out. I apologized and tried to show him the value of the warranty and offered him a service fee card and a free porn dvd to smooth things over. He was fine with that and actually said he'd keep the warranty. I was kinda shocked because I really didn't try too hard. So a week later Mr. Homeowner calls back upset and wanting to cancel again. I'm really confused as to what's happened now because there weren't any new notes in the system and new work orders. He tells me that he will never use our company again and we have humiliated him and destroyed his life. I'm sitting here thinking, "What the fuck is this nut talking about? I'm ready to cancel this bitch" but I try sweet talking him again and asking him to give us another chance. He tells me that he got the free dvd and saw his wife getting dicked down and nutted on and in by a gang of 30 men of all different nationalities. "So Mr. Smith you'll receive a cancellation letter in 14-21 business days and I've removed your payment information from our system. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you and thank you for our newest porn star."

Scarlet Letter anyone?

I'm over here on my death bed and can barely move and no one is checking on me. Fuck you all to hell! I'm just kidding. I have the flu and my friends that know have checked on me and asked if I need anything. I'm so grateful for them all. One even brought me meds, soup and juice offered to take me to the doctor. That kinda brings me to my latest thought or whatever... I have one friend who people keep calling a hoe and at first it really bothered me. I mean a lot of people have said it...even guys I've dated but I haven't mentioned it to him or anything. I'm not even sure that I should. Whenever someone brings it up, I just say well he's a good friend to me so that's really all that matters. One person I dated even asked if we've had sex! Now I have no way of knowing whether my friend is spreading is pb&j all over the milky way or not and I don't really care as long as he's not reaching in my bread box. Very rarely have I even heard him talk about having sex with anyone so it's just hard for me to believe that he is. The most important thing I've learned from all of this is that everyone has a past. Unfortunately, we all are judged on our pasts and usually unfairly. How would you feel if every single mistake you've made followed you around all of your life? How'd you feel to be Hester Prynne (The Scarlett Letter)? If you haven't read The Scarlett Letter I blame your high school educational system. But basically, the woman has an adulterous affair and has the man's baby. She was not only put in prison, but when they let her out, she had to wear a scarlet letter "A" to make everyone aware of her crime. That's some deep shit!  I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt and not totally judge them based on something that someone else has said. Who's to say that I'll have the same type of experience with that person or that he/she hasn't changed? I'm just glad that "people" don't decide my ultimate destination when my life is over. Otherwise, none of us would make it into heaven.... Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future is what I've been told. I agree. I feel that people can change but once you get a reputation, it's extremely difficult to shake. My philosophy is that there's always a hating ass hoe waiting to trip you with her stiletto...

Nightmare turned provocative question

Last night I had a dream that I was fucking my bijou at mom's and she walked in on us. She didn't say much about it but this was a dream. Besides, when she later asked who's going to Florida he decided to be first to say yes and she said not as my son's boyfriend. Again, this was a dream and I'm sure my late night dinner, martini and time on the fun wheel aka doing the bed bop all had some influence. Mom wouldn't be pleased at all. This whole dream sequence led me to my questions... How would you react if you caught your child having sex (teen to adult) and would your reaction be different if it were someone of the same sex?

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Bullshit, besties and boyfriend

Recently, I've been having issues with work. I really hate that job more often than not. I'm revising my resume currently so that I can get the fuck up outta there. I need more money and less stress, but don't we all? There's this one stupid bitch fucking with me about what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. This bastard isn't my supervisor, he's not my manger, he's not even a team lead or help desk supervisor yet always has a inquiry about my comings and goings. Again, he's not my superior, my keeper, my father, house mother, nor baby sitter... He is, however, a fat, old, bitter,snake in the grass messy gay bitch. I was pissed Friday, all weekend and this morning. By lunch, I was over it. Every time he looked at me, I looked right through him as if I were just saying a big fuck you. I'm just glad I didn't go off on him for harassing me. I need my job even though I hate it...

I'm concerned about Kendal. I haven't heard anything from him in a few weeks now and I'm not really sure what to think. I really wish that he'd call, email, text or something. Lord knows I don't wanna put another friend in the category with that chick I used to be cool with. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go back and read... I can't remember what alias I used to protect the guilty back then and I'm too lazy to look it up. I remember Rita and Jasper so I figure that's enough. I haven't spoken to Jasper in a while either. Lord knows that I can't afford to lose any friends. Half of em don't answer the phone and the other half doesn't reply to texts. SMH. I take that back... Rita responds to everything! If I start buying gifts for friends, that bitch getting everyone else's gifts. Hey, she's consistent and considerate! I'm so happy for her in her new relationship too. She's so deserving after all she's been through. Now I gotta find someone for Jasper...

Back to the past weekend's shenanigans... My cousin came up from Louisiana. The whole thing was foolish to me because he didn't give me proper notice. Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about that type of shit. We ended up having a pretty decent time albeit short. He wasted my Friday night and Saturday morning. Y'all know I could've been cuddling with my booski during all that time. We made up for it though. I definitely am not celibate this go round and I'm pretty happy about that. That's all that I will really say about my sex life. The relationship is pretty good. Just wish that he didn't live so far away. With gas prices the way they are I'm gonna need 3 jobs to afford this relationship or move him in. Neither of us is ready for that type of move right now. Hell, we have a hard time deciding on where to eat. He's making me be more decisive though, which I find to be both scary and exciting...

#2 Pencils?

So Janie and I were on the phone a few minutes ago and we had a conversation about #2 pencils because she's taking some type of test today. I don't remember if she said what test or why but anyway, she had to have pencils and she wasn't sure if she needed #2 or not. Turns out she doesn't, but it sparked one of our conversations as to why #2 pencils are always required and why we never see any other type. Of course I'm a pretty logical person so I just assumed that maybe people in specialized trades probably use the other #s. I did a quick Google search and found the nugget of awesomeness below about #2 pencils. Yes, I'm weird.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2107/how-come-you-see-2-pencils-but-no-1-pencils

Pimpin in hard times

Since the gas prices are a million dollars now I've devised a plan to whore out one of my best friends. Hey, I need money so it's whatever. I've told her about it and plan to give her a cut of the money. At first I was going to do it myself but I figure that we can make more money if I use her. I have a list of good reasons as to why she'd be a better hooker than I would.

1. She's female.

2. She's soft.

3. More holes. Sometimes guys want options. I only have two. She has three. We can charge more.

4. She's light skinned and I figure that we can use her more markets. We can make her look racially ambiguous. I can probably only pass for a couple of things: black and African-American.

5. She has more experience and she's a freak.

6. See our picture below. See? If you were a loser who couldn't get no pussy you'd probably pay for that. Just kidding. This is all in fun! (Unless she's gonna do it). Happy Saturday everyone.

Edit: Kendal will be the next friend I whore out even though he's male...