Wish List

So yeah I met a great guy and all that jazz...but there's someone else I'd rather be with. I'm not sure why my heart keeps pushing me in a different direction. It's crazy. Here I am wanting to be with someone that is emotionally unavailable to me. I'm trying to fight through it, seriously. I just don't know how to. It for damned sure isn't for lack of wanting to. I'm starting to cut people out of my life now and I'll cut everyone out if I have to. I just wonder why the ones I want don't want me and vice versa. Finding compatibility and mutual attraction all in one place would be so ideal. Dear Santa, bring me a new heart and mind. These are broken. Thanks.

Christmas Spirit

A couple of nights ago, I met this guy in person that I've been conversing with via phone and text. It was a date to be exact. We'd been vibing pretty well and I guess I was taking too long to ask him out properly, so he made a move. I was surprised and a bit pensive about going out to dinner with him honestly. He's 35, 5'10, brown skinned and built like a body builder...short dreds...very attractive...PhD...SHUT THE FUCK UP KENDAL and you know why. Anyway, he's a very nice and caring guy. We've gotten to a point where we talk daily now, so I guess it was time to meet. We had dinner at Outback and it was awesome. He made me laugh the entire time. Our server, Natalie, was a bit sweet on him. So, the running joke is that he was flirting with her all night and ignoring me, which is totally untrue. We're probably going to hit up the movies this weekend but not sure what we're seeing or what time. I'm also supposed to be helping with a Christmas tree or something, but he mentioned wine so that's the only part I'm totally sure about. Fuck that tree! Can we get to the stocking stuffers and unwrapping? Ok, I kid, I kid! There hasn't been any sexual contact and probably won't be. I want to be around for a long time, not just a good time. I did palm his ass like two basketballs when he hugged me good night, though. What? You would have done the same.

Holiday madness & other goodies/baddies

I have been intending to blog for quite some time now but you know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I haven't really been motivated much, plus my laptop was possessed or something. I finally broke down and got a netbook, so maybe I no longer have an excuse other than being tired (or lazy)? So I drove home to Louisiana for Thanksgiving and it turned out to be pretty good for the most part. I think that this is the first holiday in years that I've spent time with both my younger brother and closest cousin. It was almost a little weird. We grew up together and haven't seen each other or spoken in so long. We were all very close in the past so now...I don't know. I wasn't anticipating the meeting with my cousin at all. I'm not sure why, though. She and I were inseparable growing up, but as the years have passed we've grown apart. Partially due to my moving away and partially due to her ever changing phone numbers. Somehow, we just started talking again like nothing ever changed. It was really nice seeing her and hanging out. I was almost tempted to move back, but then I woke the fuck up. Every time I go home, I have a crazy cousin story and this time I have two. I love this woman dearly, but she used to be umm...very promiscuous. Ok, she was a hoe. So anyway, when she told me she's now doing mission work I was like say what now? That was the first thing that threw me off, but not totally surprising. Her family is heavily involved in the church. That was a soft blow. I noticed that there was umm... a hole in the living room window from the porch where we were sitting and inquired about it. She told me her brother was involved in a bit of a scuffle LAST FUCKING YEAR and her dad refuses to get it fixed. He feels that since my cousin broke it and said he'd fix it, that it won't be fixed until then. Really? So that's how we do? I can't support his shit on any day of the week. It's getting too cold for this type of bullshit. I was telling my friend Kendal about it and he wanted to hang up on me. *sigh* 

Anyway,she updates me more about her brother and what's been going on in his life and then he shows up. He now has 2 children and he's now going by the name Apostle. He feels that it's his job to tell as many people about Jesus as possible - even if he has to spam them on Facebook with viral videos apparently... I thought he'd deleted me as a friend, but his profile was reported for harassment and deleted. He posted 30 links to a video about Jesus to the BET Facebook profile. I don't know why he felt that more than one was necessary. So now he can only add 2 people a day. If he requests more friends, he's reported for suspicious activity and they suspend his account. Crazy, right?

Now, hanging with my brother is something different. I miss it, but I know that we will eventually kill each other if we spend too much time together. I think that we spent just enough time together this holiday season. I'm not even going to talk about the rest of the family right now because my soul can't handle any more. 

fantasy life

dreamworld tourism is highly encouraged...permanent residency? not so much... you're a wonderful distraction from reality that i'd like to make a permanent good or bad habit. Oh and I just added the picture cause it's hot. *shrugs*

random insomniac thoughts

I don't do Xbox or play so I don't want u back...180 on that ass bitch, cut u in half...about face like soldiers...u just a baby, sippy cup like Folgers...I may wanna beat but I won't play your game...skeet you, delete you - lame...got more brothers at me than million man march...u a barbie girl...get yo nails done or eyebrows arched


lack of sleep has turned my brain to mush...ignore me today

Chicken Bones & Toilet Bowls

Yes, Batman, you read that correctly. Holy chicken bones and toilet bowls! You may be wondering why in the hell those two things would be in the same sentence and I can assure you that when it was presented to me, I was just as perplexed. One of my coworkers told me that he walked into one of our restroom stalls to take a piss, looked down and saw chicken bones in the toilet. I just do not understand this type of fuckery. There are a few elements to it. 1: You have a person who is special enough to bring food into a restroom - and eat it. 2: Special person ate the chicken and then tried to dispose of the bones by flushing them. 3: Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he person didn't go into the bathroom to eat the chicken... He just wanted to throw the bones away... Umm... there's a trash receptacle near the door! Furthermore, he tried to flush the bones, but what happened to the box that the chicken came in?? I'm sorry. I'm over thinking this as I do everything. I just can't understand... And I'm pretty sure that I'm missing an element or two here but what I've ruminated on is already too much for my poor soul to bear. This is almost as bad as Montana Fishburne's reasoning behind doing porn to further her acting career, even though Laurence Fishburne is her dad. WTF? Her mother should have have swallowed and the toilet eater's mom should have too.

Nice guys

Sorry, but I'm random today...


Lesson 2 - Just because someone has a nice conversation with you and he is affable, it doesn't mean that he's interested in dating you. He may just be a nice guy. 

The Ask Once Rule

The Ask Once Rule: If you have to ask someone to do an activity with you more than once, they're really just not that into you. Even if we dislike certain things, sometimes we like the person that much more that we'd make the sacrifice. If not, find someone cuter and smarter.

Sexy weekend, stupid week

A week ago I met someone face to face that I've been chatting with online and on the phone. He's a lot of what I actually like in a partner... sexy, intelligent, cultured, freaky, talented, sweet, funny, passionate... I could go on and on. We had a great time together and I honestly didn't want it to end. Unfortunately for me, he lives out of town. I'm not sure when or if I'll see him again but I'd certainly like to. I know that I could fall for him easily if we were around each other regularly. Just his touch stimulated every nerve ending in my body.

Since my great weekend, everything has been kinda shitty. My shoulder has been hurting for a week (no clue why) and my job and coworkers have both been getting on my nerves. I had a lead rep at my desk to assist with something and he began to check my email. Yes, you read that right. I asked, "Why are you checking my email?" His response, "Because I'm nosy," was followed by a goofy laugh that made me want to gut him like a fish. He was the first dumb fuck in the office that I had to deal with yesterday. I told my supervisor and everyone else that he's not to be back at my desk..I may throw acid in his face if is. The second bitch apparently has a listening problem. He came over to my area to ask a different lead rep for some assistance that really only a full supervisor could provide. Since he was in the area and I needed to speak with his supervisor, I asked if she was gone for the day. He replied that if she was at her desk, he wouldn't have come to my neighbor's desk for assistance. Wrong answer homeboy. So now I have the fuck you face on... I said, "If you had been listening, you would have heard me ask if she's gone for the day, not if she's at her desk. I know that she's not there because I've been over there to ask her a question." His response was, "Oh," and a blank stare. Judge Judy is right. God gave us one mouth and two ears for a reason - so we can speak once and listen twice. If I have to repeat myself to one more stupid motherfucker at work, I'm probably going to go off. Please pray for me that I keep my job. I do not want to turn to doing porn/escort/prostitution (all the same shit really) or pole dancing. I don't think that I'd be good at any of them, but with this economy I can't rule them out. I don't need any more strikes against me with God so if you know of any wholesome, Christian jobs that are hiring, put in a word for me and don't tell them of how I seduce all the men at my jobs into stalking me...

#FutureLove

You've got me wondering what you look like... Your scent... How you taste... I can imagine the way you'd say my name as we greet each other. I'm trying to figure out your interests and desires... What turns you on? Does your walk have a quick cadence or do you walk like a pimp? What's your fashion sense? You've got me wondering about you, Future Love. What's your name? Can I get your number? Do you like to text? Sext? I hope you're not sending these pictures to everyone, Future Love. What do you like? Do you prefer to cook a meal together at home or would you rather dine out? Are you a picky eater? I am. I bet you're a bit spontaneous and adventurous. Me? Oh, I'm a bit shy and conservative until you get to know me. I like all kinds of movies but comedies most. What about you? Would you hold me at night when I'm feeling lonely, Future Love? Are you patient? Are you kind? Do you have any talents? Better yet, tell me your flaws first so that I know upfront how hard of a fight I have. I'm a realist but I'm also a romantic. Do you need a lot of attention? I do at times... Not groupie love, but Future Love. Not Future Whore (be it online or real life), not Future Liar, not Future Fuck, not Future Game Player, not Future I Only Want You When I Need Something, not Future Drug Addicted Trying To Use Somebody... Future Love who are you? Is it possible that you're already part of my present? I have so much to tell you and so much to ask but I'll save it for our future, Love.

Destination: Unlonely

So it's been a while since I've updated...I honestly have been unsure of exactly what to say. I've kinda been feeling someone lately but everything is up in the air right now. I'm hoping that we get to hang this weekend. I know, I know... Here I go again falling in like with someone, but he's a really cool guy! He's all artsy and handsome and he has a naughty side. There's a lil chemistry...I'm not sure where it's gonna go. I always end up taking the most difficult path. I could have just chosen the psycho that basically stalked me but I didn't really feel anything sparks there. I just want reciprocity...mutual attraction. I can't just settle. Maybe I'm crazy, but I want someone that excites me. Someone I can't wait to see everyday when I get off work even though I'm pissed with him. Someone who enhances my life...someone who celebrates me and makes me feel like desired. I'm not saying that's what's going to happen. I'm just tired of the journey and ready for the destination. There will be plenty of work to do when we arrive so I don't wanna spend all my time getting there. Ugh, I can't even update properly tonight. I just feel this whole post going to hell. I think my insomnia is fucking with my head.

Something wicked this way comes...

I won't be seeing the guy from my last post again because he was slick trying to force me into a relationship. He's a nice guy, but it's not going to work out. He just tried to force so many things to happen and the more he pushed, the more I pushed back. I told him we should get to know each other as friends and he got pissed. He then told me to lose his number and he'll lose mine. Some time after that he said that he's back with his ex and he's going to take things slow this time. I congratulated him... Why did he tell me later that he was "just joking" about getting back with the ex? Umm... who does that? Did he think I'd be jealous or something?? Wrong! I was relieved and then disappointed. Now I'm concerned that he may be a nut.

Oh and you may be wondering about the ominous title of the blog... Maybe wicked isn't the right word but something looms on the horizon for me. Not sure if I'll blog about it or not but I'm a bit anxious. Yes, I'm over thinking things as usual. I need someone to cuddle with. I'm taking applications for a new booski. Preferably 5'10 or taller with a beautiful mind...not whorish...ok I'm stopping. This isn't e harmony but can I catch a break without it being my heart? Sheesh.

Good Gay Gone Bad Reloaded

I think that I may need to take a vow of celibacy because I've had sex yet again. Last night and this morning actually. I'm not proud of myself at all and I'm quite upset after thinking about it all. Have I become a whore in my old age? I'm down and I really need some things to change. Oh well ... fuck my life. Wait, that's my problem - I'm fucking my life away! Sorry I wasn't cheery, witty and clever in this post but life and all roses... *sigh*

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Good Gay Gone Bad

Well, it seems that I may have a touch of clairvoyance... Maybe it's my Louisiana roots or something? I've been hinting at certain sexual situations possibly happening, but never was I seriously considering them. At least not the threesome shit. I do not like to share in bed and I'm extremely territorial and jealous. So last night I hit up the spot with my faithful homies Rita and Jasper and I invited a friend to come who said that he'd bring his coworker. A few of my coworkers also stated an interest in my weekend plans, but the hoes didn't show up so whatever. Fuck em. I invited the ex and his boo, but unfortunately, there wasn't room and they left. I was disappointed in that being that it was the newbie's birthday but they made out just fine. So it was the five of us there and we got blitzed. Three fifths of the table are gay(ish). Well, it may have been a higher percentage, but I'm not allowed to say anything so I'll let you speculate as to whether Rita has been playing in the lady pond or if Jasper is down with the moustache clique. My friend's coworker is kinda cute and around my age so we began flirting before we were boozing, thank you very much. Judgmental hoes. At some point, he began feeding me from his plate and rubbing my right thigh and butt cheek. It was a bit exhilarating. Cute, new guy flirting with you... Who wouldn't like that? The new guy is a Spanish teacher and he starts speaking to me in en espanol about wanting a kiss. I translate for my friend and he says something that I flip into him wanting a 3 way kiss. I couldn't have created the foreshadowing of last night's fuckery in my previous entries if I'd tried, but I swear this shit isn't made up. I'm not that creative. Let's fast forward... I'm rushing things along because I didn't eat my food last night and I'm hungover today. This is such a rarity for me and I don't deal well with it at all. At the end of the night, or what I thought was going to be the end of the night, we end up at amigo's truck and the 3 way kissing begins. It progresses into the truck and we all end up on the back seat kissing, groping, biting, moaning and sucking. I'm going to leave some things to the imagination, but I will say that body parts appeared but no one got to the center of the tootsie pop or the creamy Twinkie filling. Does this count as a threesome? I don't know but either way, this good gay went rogue. I need to get a big ghetto chain with GGGB on it. Dope shit.

Divine Intervention?

My first call of the day at work today was with a very nice and talkative minister. He wanted to cancel but I talked him into getting a better plan than he had. We were talking for 30 minutes and I've never had a conversation that long with a customer. He began to tell me about his oldest son who is 35 and the product of a previous relationship. They only recently reconnected in the past couple of years and get along great. His son was previously married but recently came to terms being homosexual. Mr. Minister says he's completely fine with his son's sexuality and loves him dearly. I'm thinking wow...that's pretty progressive. He even acknowledges how strange it may seem that he would be so accepting of his son's sexuality. Apparently, the son is the only person who really had a hard time accepting it. So Mr. Minister goes on and on about how great his son is and he states, "I don't know why I'm telling you all this," and proceeds to gush even more about his amazing offspring. So Super Son has a $14k watch that the father admired. Son offers watch to father. Father declines... Son then buys father a new watch while in Manila. Yes, that's right. Manila, Philippines. Not only did he buy a watch for his father, but he bought one for his brother and bought Coach purses for his step mother. WTF?? The son really seems amazing from all I heard. He's written a book and has a great job...he's a body builder and the model for the book cover. I was provided with the title and website for the book. Son is kinda sexy... I felt like Mr. Minister was trying to hook me up with his son! I just hate that it was all recorded. I hope that this call wasn't monitored. I don't want anyone to know that the minister is whoring his gay son out to me. Nor do I want anyone to realize that I actually wrote that information down and intend to use it. I mean, God blessed me...shouldn't I just accept His blessings and give thanks? I think that's the Christian way. Hallelujah!

Lesson 6: Recovery

Yes, that says Lesson 6: Recovery. LOL. I would explain it, but I don't have time and I don't feel like it. Regardless....


For my broken hearted amigos: Get out and get over em! Easier said than done, right? Of course! It's hard, but it's hard for your friends to see you home upset over a situation that you cannot change. Date again! Not saying you should jump into a new relationship, but go out and have fun. You never know what may happen ;-) Ciao!

It's finally hit the fan!

Jasper text me yesterday saying that his wife had been in the ER with terrible migraines. He said that he was at home with her and she was high on meds. I really thought that things were improving between them until he called me today. Apparently she talks in her sleep and began to call him someone else's name. Another man's name. He told me the name and this man is her ex boyfriend, "Brian". Not only is he an ex boyfriend, but he's an ex fiance. I was in total shock. He grabbed her phone and decided to give Brian a call. He said he'd found the phone in the breezeway and wanted to know if Brian knows the owner. Brian confirmed that he does in fact know the owner and that she is his girlfriend. Jasper then asks if Brian knows which apartment she lives in and he gives it to him. So Jasper confronts Chanel when she wakes up. He tells her that she'd been calling him Brian in her sleep and asks if she knows him. She confirms says she does... Then he drops the bomb on her letting her know that he spoke to him and knows that he's her boyfriend. Chanel then tells him "I need you to leave." He went back to check on her since she's still not feeling well but she's gone missing again. Her family can't find her again. Jasper's now going to file for divorce and I'm really shocked at how this has happened. I honestly don't know the person that Chanel has become. I really hope that she gets her life together because this is all a huge mess. A big, sad mess. There's a lot that I'm leaving out of this because there are some things that shouldn't be uttered even in death. And here was thinking that I had the most fucked up relationship year... I guess I'm going to have to scrape all my coins up and hit Coin Star so that Rita and I can take Jasper out for drinks at our favorite watering hole. It's either that or shake my papaya and passion fruit down at The Nasty Kitty and since I've retired my thongs, Coin Star it is!

A Tale of Two Exes

Last night was one of my ex boyfriend's birthday dinner celebration and he invited me as stated from my previous entry. It really went well. Dayna was late of course but so was the guest of honor... However, Dayna's tardiness always exceeds everyone else's. C'est la vie I guess. *Kanye shrug* So the night went a bit different than I thought that it would. I actually sat next to him and we chatted a bit. Ok, so we flirted and fed each other cheesecake and hugged and kissed. I'm only telling the truth because some of you fuckers were there or have already seen the pictures, otherwise I'd deny it all. I may still deny it. Fuck the rules! His friends and my friends all think we're so cute together and whatnot... Of course we are, but I'm not sure if we're good together. Maybe I'll see what happens over the next few days. It was nice to see and caress him a bit though. I saw my friend that I was bitching about previously, too. He came to the second spot where we were having drinks. We'd already made up but it was good to see him. I somehow only managed to get pictures of his posterior though. No, really...it wasn't my intent this time. One of my friends who I haven't seen in a while showed up and she also follows the blog. Since she found out that I gave a couple of people aliases to protect their identities she wants one too. She wants to be called "Amber" but since it's my show and I make the rules... request denied! Jenna it is! Ok so Jenna brought her friend "Lexi" with her whom I've never met, but heard much about. I had no idea that Lexi was so...intense. She's extremely opinionated and she seems to form  her opinions very quickly. She was going to hook me up with a friend of hers but he didn't come for some reason. After seeing the interaction between the birthday boy and me, she came to the conclusion that things wouldn't work out with her friend and me because her friend isn't feminine. So because she sees me dating one guy who may be a bit softer, she's already ruled out the possibility that I'd date a more masculine guy. WTF?? I'm not sure about how I'm going to like Lexi but Jenna is my heart! Maybe I need to have a sober outing with the two of them to get a better feel for Lexi. She's a ride or die chick and she's been a good friend to Jenna. I'm sure there's something I'd like about her, but we both have strong personalities. I see my Taurean horns coming out. 


On to the next one... Today I met my other ex boyfriend's current boyfriend. Remember, the one that I was waving to awkwardly on Friday? Yeah, I met him today. He seems nice. He's tall, attractive, nice smile... Hope things work out for them. They seem to mesh well so far. I haven't totally ruled out that 3 way thing after meeting him. No, I'm kidding. I think I want to date a Latin guy next. Brazilian, perhaps... I also met ex boyfriend's best friend who is also handsome with really nice eyes. We went to TGIFriday's and I left my wallet at home. Total accident. I would never go to a restaurant without intentions of eating or drinking! Even thought I had cheesecake last night, I had my heart set on getting the vanilla cheesecake today too. Oh well, maybe that was God intervening. I've been drinking and eating a lot lately. I think it's so that I can forget reality. Ex boyfriend and his bestie pretended to argue the whole time. It was cute. It reminded me of one of my friendships. They discussed how the ex always thinks that he's right and then tried to get me to pick a side. I'm Switzerland in this thing. That man still has a key to my place and I do not need to come home to a torched apartment or have dog poo smeared all over everything. My lips are sealed. All in all, it was a pretty good weekend and I hope to hang with at least some of these people again soon. Not a lot happened this weekend, but it was a lot. 

Tres Amigos... Again

This post is most likely going to be a bit random and scattered. Yesterday was a bit of a wacky day for me at work and at play. There was stuff I fucked up at work and had to fix... Our email went down so there was some shit that couldn't be done... It was a mess. I was kinda up and down all day so I was pretty stoked about going home. Just as I was walking up to my door, I see a guy with his 2 dogs and thought he might be my ex's new booski. I looked and waved awkwardly...not because he's the new guy, but because I'm usually awkward around people I don't know. Plus, I wasn't sure if it was him from that distance. He lives just a hop, skip and a jump away. Can we say 3 way? Hello!!!!!! Just kidding. I'm not that kind of guy. Yet. I text the ex and told him that I thought I saw his guy. He text back laughing saying that dude said the same when he got back in the apartment. I can't wait to meet him. He seems cool.

Anyway, I went out with Jasper and Rita again and we got shit faced. Again. I think that we all need dates or something because I see 3 possibilities if we continue to hang out this way: 1. we're going to end up getting beer bellies; 2. we're going to become bitter and jaded; 3. we're going to have a 3 way. I said I'm not that guy yet motherfuckers but I'm becoming open minded. Or desperately in need of affection. Call Judge Judy and let her decide. We got good and liquored up and headed home as all responsible adults do... On the way out I see my hot lesbian friends from a few weeks ago and their boy. They were looking good as always and he was....meh.... I hugged the Latina and chatted for a bit about how I never knew how stacked the other girl is. Since Jasper had already left us, Rita and I decided that we should head home as well. Plus, she had to work this morning. 


Too much has happened over the past few days. Last night while on the way to dinner (and during) I argued with my friend that took me to that hole in the wall club about how when I ask him to go out he's tired or never available. Everyone knows that I have sleep issues. When I go out at night and stay out, I'm tired as well. I just push through it for my friends even if I don't wanna be there. It doesn't seem that he wants to do the same. He also wants me to change my plans for tonight and hang with him and his other friend. Selfish much? I'm supposed to tell my ex (different from above mentioned ex and not the most recent ex) that I'm not going to his birthday dinner that I RSVP'd a month ago because my selfish friend wants to hang out this weekend? Methinks not! Oh and Mr. DL is gone. He got mad because he wanted to hang out Wednesday night and I told him it wasn't a good night. He kept pressing the issue and I told him if he wanted to come over he'd have to be ok with meeting my ex (the 1st ex I mentioned) because he was coming over. He said that I have ex drama and he doesn't want to be a part of it. My ex and I have no drama at all. We talk, we hang out, I grab his ass occasionally... but I do that with all my friends! Well, not the straight men, but ya know... So he said he needs to protect himself. I'm like ok I'm not mad. Confused, but not mad. You don't want a relationship. Why would my hanging out with my ex be such a big deal? You're not my boyfriend and you don't want to be! My ex and I do not have sex with each other, nor would we cross that line. At least we wouldn't while in relationships with other people. This whole shit is a mess. Never again will I talk to another confused motherfucker. This is why I left the church men alone! SMDH. 

The Latest, Greatest and Lamest. SMH

So lemme tell you about these DL men. I was chatting with a guy on the gay web and he said he's DL. You know the type...too DL to have pictures or tell you his real name or even be around the gays - yet they wanna fuck. *side eye* I honestly didn't think anything was going to happen other than conversation so when he asked for my number, I obliged. Dude starts texting me and the conversation is ok. He's in grad school, from out of town blah, blah, blah... Then he starts sending me pictures. Or pretending to anyway. I get about 4 or 5 "pictures" from him that I can't download, yet I'm receiving pictures AND video from everyone else without a problem. And the pictures that he was sending me were supposedly of his dick. Really? Is that supposed to impress me? Eventually he calls me and starts to speak of this "arrangement" that he wants me to participate in. So he wants us to be regular sex partners without a relationship or whatever and he's also going to be sleeping with women on the side too. I was like hold up... Oh so he corrected me by saying there would only be one woman he's sleeping with and I'd be the only man he's sleeping with. Dude, say what now? I tell him that this type of arrangement wouldn't work for me but I do appreciate his honesty. Most of these guys don't even tell you so that you can make an informed decision about whether to take that chance or not. I commend him for that. It just doesn't work for me. However, I do wonder if this poor woman was informed. I know what he's telling me, but was she given the rundown as well? Most likely, no. And if she's a black woman, hell no. Why put myself in a situation where I can possibly catch feelings and become jealous? I already know that it would end badly. I've already told him several times that it just wouldn't work. He keeps stressing how good his sex is as if that's my focus. It isn't hard form me to get sex if that's what I want! He wanted to come meet me but I'll pass on that shitty deal. I'd rather be alone that to be a part of that unholy threesome. He can burn with someone else. "All the bullshit is for the birds... You aint nothing but a vulture. Deuces."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iJqlhg6TdU

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

I said I wasn't going to blog about my relationship in one of my previous posts. Well, since it seems to be over I'll say a little something about it... It was simply the best month that I've had this year. I've really had a fucked up year for those who don't know... Just as the employment gods have it in for me, so do Eros and Aphrodite. Those of you who do not know who they are should go ahead and Google them for now. After you finish the blog go and read some more about them. Don't worry, I'll wait. Again. *side eye* Anyway, it seemed that everything was going well and then suddenly he's become unresponsive. I don't know if I've done something or didn't do something. I keep reaching out and I get nothing. Meh.... Well, last night I hung with two of my friends are also having relationship issues. Not sure if I should use their real names so I'll call them Rita and Jasper.

Rita was in a really good relationship with a really nice and attractive guy. He's so different from the previous dickhead that she dated and all of us like him. He's indicated to her that he no longer wants a relationship. Not that she's done anything wrong or sex was bad or there was a lack of sex or anything... He just doesn't want a relationship right now. Methinks he's scared. I mean who leaves a perfectly good relationship?? She's met his family who adores her and even told them he was gonna marry her. WTF?

Jasper is bleeding heart number 3. He's been married for just a little less than a year. I'm not sure what the fuck is wrong with his wife. She and I used to be really good friends. In fact, we were friends first. She decided to tell him that she no longer wants to be married and and the nerve to be upset that he got her cell phone cut off. I mean, I think that was a pretty mild reaction. Other people have gotten their asses beat or even killed...bank accounts drained...credit ruined... I think she got off light. She thought that was the worst thing in the world that he could have ever done to her and she was so upset and hurt by it. Really chick? You told him you want a divorce and you're the one who's hurt?? GTFOH. She's decided to cut herself off from everyone in the entire solar system. She's a repeat offender of this behavior. Jasper has scheduled counseling for them, but has very little faith that it will do much good. I've been praying for them as well. I really hope that she comes around. If she leaves him, I'm taking him. He's educated, has a job, helped her pay for school... I'm sure there's some bad in there too but we all have negative qualities. She's not even trying.

So there you have it, we 3 amigos went out to our favorite watering hole last night and slammed our other halves while getting wasted. Ok, not really...more like we whined and felt bad for ourselves and each other. LOL. I'm surprised that I was able to drive home because I could barely walk. I ended up texting him and got no reply until today. Honestly, his reply isn't even worth mentioning. I'm hurt by how it's ended, but the experience before all of this was phenomenal. I've been getting encouragement from the most unlikely person: one of my exes. He's been really great throughout it all. I'm not giving up on love at all. I'm just unsure of where to find it now. 


Oh and here's a link for how to heal a broken heart.


http://superlative1.wordpress.com/2010/06/08/never-let-anyone-steal-your-sunshine/


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVou0kjCjDw


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yvsU4SNWPA

Saturday Sluts & Sunday Saints

I was talking with my friend Ryan aka Ebony Prince earlier on yahoo and our conversation about church and religion triggered a memory of one of the reasons I stopped going to church. It's not that I don't believe in God or pray. He and I have a relationship that is unique to us... I'm just unsure of how I can begin to interact with "Christians" again. I still go on occasion but it's been a while. We were talking about someone we both know who has become a minister and is now married with children. I met this man, who we'll call J, when I was 17 or 18 and he was 15 during the summer... He was from El Dorado, Arkansas visiting his cousin for a couple of weeks. Long story short, his cousin lived just down the street from me and J and I had some "interaction" but we didn't have intercourse. I wouldn't go that route until a bit later in life... Anyway, after we messed around for the 2nd time, I discovered that J had a girlfriend who went to high school with me and that he was a whore. A major, major whore. He was fucking all the girls and the boys. I told J that I knew his gf... She and I had a few conversations because she also had a cousin living on my street. She was spoke of how J had cheated on her with some girl. I'm not even sure how I found out about the guys he messed with considering that I didn't really know any gays at that time in my life. This was the first of many interactions I'd have with the gays that are heavily involved in the church.

I was in the choir all of my life and very active with this ministry: choir practice every week, leading songs, traveling with the church, concerts, etc. I really enjoyed it and looked forward to every Sunday morning. When I was in grad school, a man who was probably about the same age as my dad or older joined our church and the choir. I thought nothing of it, really. To me he was just a guy who enjoyed singing for the Lord. Then he started hitting on me. He always wanted to sit next to me... At some point he asked for my number or asked what I was doing after church one day and that he wanted to spend time with me. He was clearly interested in getting under my robe. I told him that I had homework to do, which was the truth. He proceeded to ask me which HIGH SCHOOL I was enrolled in. *side eye* Now, I must admit that I've always looked younger than my age so the fact that he thought I might be in high school wasn't shocking to me. The fact that he thought I was a high school student but still wanted to get at me was troubling to me. I just couldn't believe that this stale coffee and cigarettes smelling middle aged man was actively pursing who he believed to be a high school child. I told him that I was in grad school and drove home. Mr. Pedophile continued to make advances toward me...so much in fact, that I was no longer comfortable doing the one thing that brought me joy in life. My school schedule began to conflict with choir rehearsal, so I used this as an out to stop attending. I know that if I'd told the musicians that I still wanted to sing they would have probably had special sessions with me to help me learn the songs. I just couldn't be near that man again. The whole experience left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was even more disgusted with the fact that everyone thought that he was such a great guy. If they'd only known that he was trying to do after school activities with the children at church!

After that I met a couple of guys who were involved in church but they always had this internal conflict between sexuality and religion. One of them was always talking about how it was wrong for us to be together because it was against God's will but it wasn't an issue for him when he was talking about wanting to have sex with me. So glad that never happened. I discovered that a lot of people have issues with sexuality and religion around that time. I found out that my uncle, who was a deacon at his church, was cheating on his wife and fathered a child outside of their marriage. He was giving my cousin hell for getting pregnant and not having a husband. I guess that's what I have an issue with - all of the hypocrisy that exists in the church. Certain things are viewed as wrong but more acceptable than others and I don't get it. Wrong is wrong, right? Meh...I'm not going to debate with anyone about Christianity or religion. Just a lil rant.... Hope everyone's day has been good. Mine? Sucks.

Poetry and shit

Wrote a poem...it's kinda rhymey...just came to me this morning...idk. Fuck it. Going through life... See below:

The seconds became days
Moonlight turned to sunlight
We became one...
Then came undone
There's a shift in the tides
I'm feeling something inside
Different than before
You don't care any more
I think "Where'd we go wrong?"
As I sit and drink to sad songs
How we went from day to night
From lovely embrace to this fight
I'm struggling with this plight
Things changed with one flight
Now you're nowhere in sight
And you act as if I don't have the right
To inquire about your nights
Will we end with this fight?
I don't know any more
This hurts me to my core
I really thought you were the one
That it was more than just fun
How I miss your touch
This hurts me so much
I just want it to end...
So I can begin again

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.5.2

why?

who does this??

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.3.1

:-(

a bit down

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2

Yin and Yang

Yin: Things have been going really well for me lately. The one dark spot is that I have a friend who I've been really concerned about and reaching out to with no response. I text and she only halfway replies and doesn't answer or return phone calls. I'm just about to the point now where I'm giving up on her. She's done this before, but I'm not going to let her keep doing this to me. You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one, and you can't help anyone who doesn't want it. It sucks, but it's reality.

Yang: On a brighter note, it's been a while since I've posted anything because I've been drunk, preoccupied, tired as hell or all 3 lately. Work was actually not horrible last week and over the last few weeks I've been on a lot of dates with someone in particular... I've never been good at dating multiple people at once. My attention usually ends up going to one person anyway so I just stick with one to keep confusion at bay. We'd been on a few dates and he'd slept over a couple of times and he mentioned something about wishing he'd brought a toothbrush along. I bought him one and when he found out he said, "I guess that makes me boyfriend now." My reply? "Duh..." He's a really nice guy, attractive, employed, has his own place and car. Nice catch... So far, so good! We had a double date plus one last week where I met a couple of his friends, and he met one of mine. Everyone got along and seems to adore each other. There hasn't been any drama yet, but I tend to over think these things. Yes, I'm working on that over thinking thing but you know it's difficult. It's part of the reason for my insomnia. My brain just doesn't shut off... Plus, it's been a long time since I've had this type of relationship experience. The last few before this one didn't feel as solid as this. Not to say that I didn't care for those individuals... I really did, but we weren't meant to be in relationships together. I think that oftentimes people have a relationship that doesn't work out and feel that they have to hate or dislike that person. I feel that if it didn't work, it didn't work. It doesn't mean that either of you are bad...maybe it just means you're not right for a romantic relationship. It doesn't have to lead to animosity. There was something about the person that led you to the decision to date... *shrugs* Anyhoo, the booski is great but I don't think I'll be blogging about us much (if at all) after this post. I just have to keep some things to myself and I'm not sure if he reads my blog or not yet. LOL. And did I mention that he's attractive and nice and he sings (and am I rambling)? Damn...I gotta get pregnant so I can trap him. I kid, I kid! Hopefully, everyone's having a great Sunday! Check out the song "My Everything" by Monica below. He makes me think about this song. :-)

Club Chalupa & Chitlins - Road trip with Dayna D

So the bestie convinced me that it would be a good idea to ride out to Missouri with her last night. I agreed because I've never been, plus I didn't really want her driving alone. I'm only going to speak on the hood ass Mexican restaurant we ended up at because I've been sworn to secrecy as to what other fuckery transpired last night. I don't remember the name of if it so that's an indication that we won't be frequenting it its bowels again. I've just been calling it Club Chalupa & Chitlins. Now this place is in Blytheville, Arkansas. We never made it to Missouri. Again, that is fuckery that I'm unable to discuss at the present. The wait staff was shitty but the food was ok and so were the drinks. The restaurant was one half of conjoined twins with a motel as the other half... *side eye* Umm...yeah... They had some boom box speakers mounted to the wall playing pop and r&b music. For some reason the gays had to come in and ruin everything. Well, actually it was only one gay that ruined anything. He was with a group of females and he's black. He and the girls had to be loud as hell were trying their damnedest to embarrass the whole race. Now, you're probably wondering why I say that he specifically ruined things. Well he was ridiculously LOUD and extra gay and dancing. So the place was loud as hell because of him and his crew. "Other" people were looking on and laughing while Dayna and I were mortified and hanging our heads in shame. Needless to say we won't be going back. I just told her that I'm blogging about the experience and she threatened my boy parts if I tell what happened on the road. Since I want my kibbles & bits to remain intact for a few more years, hasta luego putas!

Weekend Warriors

This weekend was filled with surprises, drinking, kissing, flirting, dancing and harassing. So I went out with ______ Friday night for drinks and a late dinner. one of the shots was called leg spreader. was that a sign of things to come?? I'll never tell. LOL. but i told the server that since i wanted my legs to remained closed that night, i wouldn't have that drink. it was an excellent first date. I got tipsy and slightly embarrassed by it. he thought it was cute. *shrug*

Saturday night was so foolish... our purpose for the night was dinner and clubbing to celebrate another birthday. somehow two out of three of us didn't have id. the offending parties shall remain nameless but it wasn't me! *side eye* we had the damndest time getting into a club because of the id situation but eventually found one. I was greeted (read attacked) by an ex. he was too excited too see me and grabbed his friend to introduce us. don't remember the friend's name but I was introduced as the best boyfriend he ever had. I was unmoved. after leaving the club we stopped to say hello to the birthday boy's friend. I don't like him because every time I see him he tries to have sex with me and he never remembers that we've met before. it's like the movie groundhog day where the guy was reliving the same horrible day over and over. he kept trying to kiss on my neck and it totally creeped. me out. I was glad the night ended... I'd been texting sexy boy from the previous night and he was asleep. at this point I wished I were too.

Sunday led me to date number 2 with sexy face. we saw Salt and had dinner and drinks afterwards. it was such an awesome night and I can't wait to see him again. overall the weekend was good. it just wore me out! SN: I blogged from my phone today. probably won't do this shit again

Fun at the club, signs of the Apocalypse and other stuff

So much happened at this club Lorenz or however it's spelled... I have no way to fit all of the ratchetness of Friday night into this post. I'm honestly not sure how it all fit into one outing. I'll start by saying that the place really is a kinda hole in the wall type of joint, but we enjoyed ourselves immensely. When my friends and I were walking up we saw 3 things: a building, a strange structure with a wall in front of it and another building. We tried accessing the 2 buildings and neither were what we were looking for. That should have been the first sign that there would be problems. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm not a clubber. I'll go if friends or whomever I'm seeing at the time wants me to go, but I never go out of my way to say let's hit up this club... At any rate, we went out to celebrate 2 birthdays so I was down for whatever they wanted to do. We arrived around 12ish? It's hard to say after the hike we had to take from the street through a dark, wooded path with an old dirty mattress next to a dumpster. I was thinking, Lord please don't let me get kidnapped, raped, stabbed, shot or killed walking through here. It just looks like murders, rapes and drug use happen right there. All on that mattress.

The club *side eye* was a bit empty when we walked in. They stamped us and gave us ticket stubs that we could use for 1 free soda or bottle of beer at the bar. They get points for that and the butch lesbian bartender. Hey, she was friendly. If you have never seen a cartoon called The Oblongs I suggest that you Google it right now so that you can really get a visual. For the slow bunnies, open a new tab or a new browser window and search for it right now. I'll wait for you. Now that you've done that I want you to imagine The Oblongs, but color them all brown. The majority of the people that we saw in the first couple of hours there resembled these characters. I kid you not. This was the second sign of The Apocalypse that we ignored. We should have no right to complain but meh...we're human. We discovered an extremely short version of the Humpback of Notre Dame who kept walking by. We later saw him dancing to a song with the lyrics "put a hump in your back." No, seriously, I'm not creative enough to make this stuff up! I wanted not to laugh but I laugh at everything - especially if it isn't appropriate to laugh at. There were so many gimped up people walking around... Drags that looked like well, men with wigs on... One was shaped like a bell pepper, another was really slim with extremely broad shoulders. She had the nerve to have on a football jersey. It was a hot flaming mess all night.

We decided to walk around and see the rest of the club which was actually a lot more spacious that we initially thought. One of my friends bumped the wall in the bar area and the lights went off. We figured he'd hit the switch, but no...there was a wire or cord of some sort sticking out from the wall that caused the problem. One of the bar employees walked by, and in a very nonchalant manner, jiggled it and the lights came back on. Third sign of The Apocalypse? I took a picture of it but it didn't come out very good. I knew that I'd be blogging about this night. *sigh* I wasn't feeling the cracked mirrors on the dance floor that one particular "lady" was performing into. Since when do you do a show and look at yourself the whole time? After the never ending drag show ended, they finally opened the dance floor and we decided to get on it. At this point the patrons had gotten cuter (and no I didn't drink that night at all). We were told that it would get better later and that was true. Ok I'll give them a few more points for honesty.

While we were dancing, I noticed a very attractive young man smiling at me. He has a gorgeous smile, great body and slick dance moves. He makes his way over to dance with one of the birthday boys. I can't hate on that. It's his birthday... We're all having a great time. I look over and notice that gorgeous smile is licking & sucking on his own finger. Now I'm thinking he's a freak *pause* I really had no idea how big of a freak but would soon learn... So birthday boy number two leans over and tells me that smiley face had the finger in question inside of birthday boy number one's ass. I said GTFOH. This has to be a lie. Which sign of The Apocalypse have we hit now? Doesn't matter...we've had more than enough signs that this night and the world as we know it will burn for all eternity at this point. So now I'm calling smiley face "booty finger" to everyone in the group. I'm disgusted. He starts dancing with me and I want to slit my wrists and bleed out on the floor right there. Birthday boy number two is cracking up because of my facial expression. My brother calls me Monk because I keep hand sanitizer with me and everyone I work with knows this about me as well. I was freaking out because I didn't have it in the club. I decide to suck it up and be a big boy. We're clubbing, the night is fun, I'm dancing with my friends and a cute nasty boy is humping me. What's not to love? The "dj" starts playing some some New Orleans bounce and now you see booties jiggling everywhere. You also see some disappointed faces because people had certain perceptions of some of the guys in the club that have now changed after seeing them bouncing their asses in front of these cracked mirrors. Anyhoo, the club finally shuts down and we're ready to go. I've been accosted by finger boy and his crew. The attention was nice, but at this point I'm wondering if I'd really talk to someone like this. Not to mention they were trying to get me to go home with them and it all made me remember why I don't club. I decline the cute freaky boy and his crew's advances and my friend comes to my rescue. I'd later discover that cute, nasty smiley face boy is one of my friends on Facebook. I sent him a couple of messages to confirm his identity. My friend was like, "Do you really wanna talk to a guy like that?" We were just chatting. No, seriously, he seems nice. STOP JUDGING ME! LOL. Meh...I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown and that life is Lucy. It keeps taking the football away right when I'm about to kick it. LOL. On a brighter note, I did a mini photo shoot in my bathroom that was well received by the lucky few who saw it. I would post the pics on the guys with androids website but errumm...yeah, I don't want to be infamous for that type of stuff. Ok so I got off on a tangent at the end here but, we had a great night despite everything. We really enjoyed each other's company and are planning to go out again next weekend. Someone help me!

Continued fuckery by the employment gods

I may do a couple of updates simply because so much has happened in the past 24 hours... I'll start with what happened at work yesterday. We had a department team meeting so our call queue was closed for 2 hours. It was something like a working lunch, which I blame Kendal for since we had a conversation about working lunches. Side note: If you're not following his blog, do so immediately. It's hilarious! Back to the mess: We were provided with lunch by a local BBQ restaurant and we had 2 hours off the phones. No brainer, right? That was the main reason for my going to work yesterday - and that I'm basically out of sick time. Don't judge me, hoes. Anyway, the meeting kinda cheated us out of having a real lunch, if you ask me. Working lunch = you eat while listening to motherfuckers talk about work and you can't play with your phone or iPod. The presentation was engaging and interesting. We were told of all the incentives we would get over the rest of the year for increasing our conversion rate and yadda, yadda, yadda. There are some really cool prizes. I'm praying for the iPad, hotel stay and the free vacation. But mainly the iPad because I kinda need a new laptop and no, I don't know where the vacation destination is yet. The food was pretty good. There was beef brisket, shredded chicken and buns to make sandwiches. We also had mac and cheese, BBQ baked beans, coleslaw, lemon pie, brownies, tea and some other shit I can't remember because I didn't eat it. The meeting went well and I won a $50 American Express gift card in a drawing at the end. We all head back to the phones and it all starts hitting us. We had the food about halfway through the meeting and now there are people running to the bathroom. I overhear a couple of the ladies complaining about their intestinal difficulties in the stalls and begin to wonder if the food was the reason I was so nauseous. I've been nauseous a lot lately but I think it's been due to my allergies. Anyway, I was so close to barfing all day that it was ridiculous. Every time I sat down, I wanted to throw up. Not a good feeling. Another team member comes in and tells us he threw up after we got back from the meeting. Now we know that we have a touch of food poisoning. Just a touch is all that it takes. I'm still feeling it right now. I think that chicken probably shouldn't have been out as long as it was. The one day at work that I was actually looking forward to leaves me feeling like a porpoise is doing flips in my stomach. Fuck my life - with a flaming telephone pole. The employment gods continue to piss on my life and are pleased with my misery.

Fucked by the employment gods - I'm convinced

I'm convinced that I did something in a previous life that warrants some type of punishment while I'm at work. I have been stalked and/or sexually harassed by someone at least 5 times at work over the last 10 years. One was a minister...she was married. She was having sexual dreams about me and was ready to jump me at work. I was sooooo uncomfortable with that for a few reasons. Number one was reason was a toss up between her being a minister and also because she was married. Oh and possibly the girl part but not totally. Meh...I'm sexually weird...

Second, there was the guy who kept grabbing my ass and kissing me in the elevator at a different job. He and this one chick got into an argument over me. It was a bit flattering but weird that I had a guy and a girl arguing over me. It was just as deflating to have them each say that the other can have me after the fight was over (and I never belonged to either of them!).

At the last place I was employed, I had a girl grab my ass and tell me how soft it is. She thought it was funny that I mentioned how she could be fired for sexual harassment - she laughed in my face and I was a supervisor. Bitch. There was an incident of being "watched" by someone outside of work here as well but I won't go into that. It actually ruined what used to be a great friendship. *sigh*

Lastly, at my current place of employment there is yet another minister stalking me. This one is male. He pulled a bait and switch type of operation on me though. I really thought that he was interested in my friend so I payed him absolutely no attention when everything was going down. He came over to our table at lunch/break whatever it was and introduced himself. I'm usually kinda dry and standoffish in those situations anyway. We did the polite thing and gave our names as well. Fatal flaw: he saw my badge. So he looked me up in the global directory and began emailing me at work. It started out as chit chat and progressed to more flirty stuff. I basically told him that I wasn't comfortable with his behavior and that he should only email me about work related things. He agreed. I was thinking that I was in the clear. Boy, was I wrong. So now this bastard finds me on Facebook and starts emailing me on there! FML with a jack hammer! He even started coming to my desk and gave me his number at least 3 times, which I never used and don't have to this day. He emailed me for couple of months, but I somehow convinced him that I'm dating an insanely jealous lunatic that doesn't take kindly to his advances. Thankfully, the emails stopped. Unfortunately, he still finds a way to go out of his way to visit my area or be near me in the break room. Damn my past life's transgressions. Better yet, fuck my previous life's transgressions. I mean, how can something I don't know that I did in a past life that I don't know that i lived be fucking up my present life! FUCK! LOL.

Sincerely,

Convinced

Only prostitutes get paid upfront

With this being the initial post on my blog I'll tell you a little about me... I work in the customer retention department for a company but I'm not going to say which company. I don't want any death threats and I can't hook anyone up with free shit, so don't ask.

One day in May I had a customer near the end of my shift who stated that she never got a copy of her contract from when she called in October. She paid in full for the product and wanted a full refund because she didn't know how it works and she felt that she was being charged for something she doesn't have. I was nothing but empathetic and kind to this old, bitter hag throughout the conversation. I never even raised my voice! I explained to her that unfortunately she would only receive a prorated refund less an administrative fee for canceling early. She was livid! She said that I personally was trying to keep her from getting her money and penalizing her for canceling the contract. She said that only prostitutes get paid upfront and that she wasn't going to pay my fucking salary. So at this point I was done trying to retain her business or show her the value of the product. I began going over the cancellation policy and she started going in on me cursing again. She told me that she didn't want to hear the cancellation policy and for me to just cancel her contract and then hung up on me. I noted everything in the system and then told my coworker what happened on the call. He gave me some positive words of encouragement and I kinda halfway stated that he was right and I'd try to just shake it off. Thankfully, this was near the end of my shift. Well, he gets his last call of the day and lo and behold it's Mrs. Thousand-year-old-bitter-bitch calling back! She tells him that I was the rudest person that she ever spoke with, I wasn't helpful and that she never wanted her contract to be canceled. So at this point I'm laughing because she's clearly senile or bored. This woman is the oldest most bitter bitch in the world and she will probably outlive everyone on earth because she's just that evil and stubborn. I really want her to eat an entire bowl of hot, flaming, oozing, disease infected dicks for all of eternity...but knowing my luck she'd find a way to have me locked in Hell's Diner as her waiter. FML