Fun at the club, signs of the Apocalypse and other stuff

So much happened at this club Lorenz or however it's spelled... I have no way to fit all of the ratchetness of Friday night into this post. I'm honestly not sure how it all fit into one outing. I'll start by saying that the place really is a kinda hole in the wall type of joint, but we enjoyed ourselves immensely. When my friends and I were walking up we saw 3 things: a building, a strange structure with a wall in front of it and another building. We tried accessing the 2 buildings and neither were what we were looking for. That should have been the first sign that there would be problems. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm not a clubber. I'll go if friends or whomever I'm seeing at the time wants me to go, but I never go out of my way to say let's hit up this club... At any rate, we went out to celebrate 2 birthdays so I was down for whatever they wanted to do. We arrived around 12ish? It's hard to say after the hike we had to take from the street through a dark, wooded path with an old dirty mattress next to a dumpster. I was thinking, Lord please don't let me get kidnapped, raped, stabbed, shot or killed walking through here. It just looks like murders, rapes and drug use happen right there. All on that mattress.

The club *side eye* was a bit empty when we walked in. They stamped us and gave us ticket stubs that we could use for 1 free soda or bottle of beer at the bar. They get points for that and the butch lesbian bartender. Hey, she was friendly. If you have never seen a cartoon called The Oblongs I suggest that you Google it right now so that you can really get a visual. For the slow bunnies, open a new tab or a new browser window and search for it right now. I'll wait for you. Now that you've done that I want you to imagine The Oblongs, but color them all brown. The majority of the people that we saw in the first couple of hours there resembled these characters. I kid you not. This was the second sign of The Apocalypse that we ignored. We should have no right to complain but meh...we're human. We discovered an extremely short version of the Humpback of Notre Dame who kept walking by. We later saw him dancing to a song with the lyrics "put a hump in your back." No, seriously, I'm not creative enough to make this stuff up! I wanted not to laugh but I laugh at everything - especially if it isn't appropriate to laugh at. There were so many gimped up people walking around... Drags that looked like well, men with wigs on... One was shaped like a bell pepper, another was really slim with extremely broad shoulders. She had the nerve to have on a football jersey. It was a hot flaming mess all night.

We decided to walk around and see the rest of the club which was actually a lot more spacious that we initially thought. One of my friends bumped the wall in the bar area and the lights went off. We figured he'd hit the switch, but no...there was a wire or cord of some sort sticking out from the wall that caused the problem. One of the bar employees walked by, and in a very nonchalant manner, jiggled it and the lights came back on. Third sign of The Apocalypse? I took a picture of it but it didn't come out very good. I knew that I'd be blogging about this night. *sigh* I wasn't feeling the cracked mirrors on the dance floor that one particular "lady" was performing into. Since when do you do a show and look at yourself the whole time? After the never ending drag show ended, they finally opened the dance floor and we decided to get on it. At this point the patrons had gotten cuter (and no I didn't drink that night at all). We were told that it would get better later and that was true. Ok I'll give them a few more points for honesty.

While we were dancing, I noticed a very attractive young man smiling at me. He has a gorgeous smile, great body and slick dance moves. He makes his way over to dance with one of the birthday boys. I can't hate on that. It's his birthday... We're all having a great time. I look over and notice that gorgeous smile is licking & sucking on his own finger. Now I'm thinking he's a freak *pause* I really had no idea how big of a freak but would soon learn... So birthday boy number two leans over and tells me that smiley face had the finger in question inside of birthday boy number one's ass. I said GTFOH. This has to be a lie. Which sign of The Apocalypse have we hit now? Doesn't matter...we've had more than enough signs that this night and the world as we know it will burn for all eternity at this point. So now I'm calling smiley face "booty finger" to everyone in the group. I'm disgusted. He starts dancing with me and I want to slit my wrists and bleed out on the floor right there. Birthday boy number two is cracking up because of my facial expression. My brother calls me Monk because I keep hand sanitizer with me and everyone I work with knows this about me as well. I was freaking out because I didn't have it in the club. I decide to suck it up and be a big boy. We're clubbing, the night is fun, I'm dancing with my friends and a cute nasty boy is humping me. What's not to love? The "dj" starts playing some some New Orleans bounce and now you see booties jiggling everywhere. You also see some disappointed faces because people had certain perceptions of some of the guys in the club that have now changed after seeing them bouncing their asses in front of these cracked mirrors. Anyhoo, the club finally shuts down and we're ready to go. I've been accosted by finger boy and his crew. The attention was nice, but at this point I'm wondering if I'd really talk to someone like this. Not to mention they were trying to get me to go home with them and it all made me remember why I don't club. I decline the cute freaky boy and his crew's advances and my friend comes to my rescue. I'd later discover that cute, nasty smiley face boy is one of my friends on Facebook. I sent him a couple of messages to confirm his identity. My friend was like, "Do you really wanna talk to a guy like that?" We were just chatting. No, seriously, he seems nice. STOP JUDGING ME! LOL. Meh...I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown and that life is Lucy. It keeps taking the football away right when I'm about to kick it. LOL. On a brighter note, I did a mini photo shoot in my bathroom that was well received by the lucky few who saw it. I would post the pics on the guys with androids website but errumm...yeah, I don't want to be infamous for that type of stuff. Ok so I got off on a tangent at the end here but, we had a great night despite everything. We really enjoyed each other's company and are planning to go out again next weekend. Someone help me!

Continued fuckery by the employment gods

I may do a couple of updates simply because so much has happened in the past 24 hours... I'll start with what happened at work yesterday. We had a department team meeting so our call queue was closed for 2 hours. It was something like a working lunch, which I blame Kendal for since we had a conversation about working lunches. Side note: If you're not following his blog, do so immediately. It's hilarious! Back to the mess: We were provided with lunch by a local BBQ restaurant and we had 2 hours off the phones. No brainer, right? That was the main reason for my going to work yesterday - and that I'm basically out of sick time. Don't judge me, hoes. Anyway, the meeting kinda cheated us out of having a real lunch, if you ask me. Working lunch = you eat while listening to motherfuckers talk about work and you can't play with your phone or iPod. The presentation was engaging and interesting. We were told of all the incentives we would get over the rest of the year for increasing our conversion rate and yadda, yadda, yadda. There are some really cool prizes. I'm praying for the iPad, hotel stay and the free vacation. But mainly the iPad because I kinda need a new laptop and no, I don't know where the vacation destination is yet. The food was pretty good. There was beef brisket, shredded chicken and buns to make sandwiches. We also had mac and cheese, BBQ baked beans, coleslaw, lemon pie, brownies, tea and some other shit I can't remember because I didn't eat it. The meeting went well and I won a $50 American Express gift card in a drawing at the end. We all head back to the phones and it all starts hitting us. We had the food about halfway through the meeting and now there are people running to the bathroom. I overhear a couple of the ladies complaining about their intestinal difficulties in the stalls and begin to wonder if the food was the reason I was so nauseous. I've been nauseous a lot lately but I think it's been due to my allergies. Anyway, I was so close to barfing all day that it was ridiculous. Every time I sat down, I wanted to throw up. Not a good feeling. Another team member comes in and tells us he threw up after we got back from the meeting. Now we know that we have a touch of food poisoning. Just a touch is all that it takes. I'm still feeling it right now. I think that chicken probably shouldn't have been out as long as it was. The one day at work that I was actually looking forward to leaves me feeling like a porpoise is doing flips in my stomach. Fuck my life - with a flaming telephone pole. The employment gods continue to piss on my life and are pleased with my misery.

Fucked by the employment gods - I'm convinced

I'm convinced that I did something in a previous life that warrants some type of punishment while I'm at work. I have been stalked and/or sexually harassed by someone at least 5 times at work over the last 10 years. One was a minister...she was married. She was having sexual dreams about me and was ready to jump me at work. I was sooooo uncomfortable with that for a few reasons. Number one was reason was a toss up between her being a minister and also because she was married. Oh and possibly the girl part but not totally. Meh...I'm sexually weird...

Second, there was the guy who kept grabbing my ass and kissing me in the elevator at a different job. He and this one chick got into an argument over me. It was a bit flattering but weird that I had a guy and a girl arguing over me. It was just as deflating to have them each say that the other can have me after the fight was over (and I never belonged to either of them!).

At the last place I was employed, I had a girl grab my ass and tell me how soft it is. She thought it was funny that I mentioned how she could be fired for sexual harassment - she laughed in my face and I was a supervisor. Bitch. There was an incident of being "watched" by someone outside of work here as well but I won't go into that. It actually ruined what used to be a great friendship. *sigh*

Lastly, at my current place of employment there is yet another minister stalking me. This one is male. He pulled a bait and switch type of operation on me though. I really thought that he was interested in my friend so I payed him absolutely no attention when everything was going down. He came over to our table at lunch/break whatever it was and introduced himself. I'm usually kinda dry and standoffish in those situations anyway. We did the polite thing and gave our names as well. Fatal flaw: he saw my badge. So he looked me up in the global directory and began emailing me at work. It started out as chit chat and progressed to more flirty stuff. I basically told him that I wasn't comfortable with his behavior and that he should only email me about work related things. He agreed. I was thinking that I was in the clear. Boy, was I wrong. So now this bastard finds me on Facebook and starts emailing me on there! FML with a jack hammer! He even started coming to my desk and gave me his number at least 3 times, which I never used and don't have to this day. He emailed me for couple of months, but I somehow convinced him that I'm dating an insanely jealous lunatic that doesn't take kindly to his advances. Thankfully, the emails stopped. Unfortunately, he still finds a way to go out of his way to visit my area or be near me in the break room. Damn my past life's transgressions. Better yet, fuck my previous life's transgressions. I mean, how can something I don't know that I did in a past life that I don't know that i lived be fucking up my present life! FUCK! LOL.

Sincerely,

Convinced

Only prostitutes get paid upfront

With this being the initial post on my blog I'll tell you a little about me... I work in the customer retention department for a company but I'm not going to say which company. I don't want any death threats and I can't hook anyone up with free shit, so don't ask.

One day in May I had a customer near the end of my shift who stated that she never got a copy of her contract from when she called in October. She paid in full for the product and wanted a full refund because she didn't know how it works and she felt that she was being charged for something she doesn't have. I was nothing but empathetic and kind to this old, bitter hag throughout the conversation. I never even raised my voice! I explained to her that unfortunately she would only receive a prorated refund less an administrative fee for canceling early. She was livid! She said that I personally was trying to keep her from getting her money and penalizing her for canceling the contract. She said that only prostitutes get paid upfront and that she wasn't going to pay my fucking salary. So at this point I was done trying to retain her business or show her the value of the product. I began going over the cancellation policy and she started going in on me cursing again. She told me that she didn't want to hear the cancellation policy and for me to just cancel her contract and then hung up on me. I noted everything in the system and then told my coworker what happened on the call. He gave me some positive words of encouragement and I kinda halfway stated that he was right and I'd try to just shake it off. Thankfully, this was near the end of my shift. Well, he gets his last call of the day and lo and behold it's Mrs. Thousand-year-old-bitter-bitch calling back! She tells him that I was the rudest person that she ever spoke with, I wasn't helpful and that she never wanted her contract to be canceled. So at this point I'm laughing because she's clearly senile or bored. This woman is the oldest most bitter bitch in the world and she will probably outlive everyone on earth because she's just that evil and stubborn. I really want her to eat an entire bowl of hot, flaming, oozing, disease infected dicks for all of eternity...but knowing my luck she'd find a way to have me locked in Hell's Diner as her waiter. FML