Fun at the club, signs of the Apocalypse and other stuff

So much happened at this club Lorenz or however it's spelled... I have no way to fit all of the ratchetness of Friday night into this post. I'm honestly not sure how it all fit into one outing. I'll start by saying that the place really is a kinda hole in the wall type of joint, but we enjoyed ourselves immensely. When my friends and I were walking up we saw 3 things: a building, a strange structure with a wall in front of it and another building. We tried accessing the 2 buildings and neither were what we were looking for. That should have been the first sign that there would be problems. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm not a clubber. I'll go if friends or whomever I'm seeing at the time wants me to go, but I never go out of my way to say let's hit up this club... At any rate, we went out to celebrate 2 birthdays so I was down for whatever they wanted to do. We arrived around 12ish? It's hard to say after the hike we had to take from the street through a dark, wooded path with an old dirty mattress next to a dumpster. I was thinking, Lord please don't let me get kidnapped, raped, stabbed, shot or killed walking through here. It just looks like murders, rapes and drug use happen right there. All on that mattress.

The club *side eye* was a bit empty when we walked in. They stamped us and gave us ticket stubs that we could use for 1 free soda or bottle of beer at the bar. They get points for that and the butch lesbian bartender. Hey, she was friendly. If you have never seen a cartoon called The Oblongs I suggest that you Google it right now so that you can really get a visual. For the slow bunnies, open a new tab or a new browser window and search for it right now. I'll wait for you. Now that you've done that I want you to imagine The Oblongs, but color them all brown. The majority of the people that we saw in the first couple of hours there resembled these characters. I kid you not. This was the second sign of The Apocalypse that we ignored. We should have no right to complain but meh...we're human. We discovered an extremely short version of the Humpback of Notre Dame who kept walking by. We later saw him dancing to a song with the lyrics "put a hump in your back." No, seriously, I'm not creative enough to make this stuff up! I wanted not to laugh but I laugh at everything - especially if it isn't appropriate to laugh at. There were so many gimped up people walking around... Drags that looked like well, men with wigs on... One was shaped like a bell pepper, another was really slim with extremely broad shoulders. She had the nerve to have on a football jersey. It was a hot flaming mess all night.

We decided to walk around and see the rest of the club which was actually a lot more spacious that we initially thought. One of my friends bumped the wall in the bar area and the lights went off. We figured he'd hit the switch, but no...there was a wire or cord of some sort sticking out from the wall that caused the problem. One of the bar employees walked by, and in a very nonchalant manner, jiggled it and the lights came back on. Third sign of The Apocalypse? I took a picture of it but it didn't come out very good. I knew that I'd be blogging about this night. *sigh* I wasn't feeling the cracked mirrors on the dance floor that one particular "lady" was performing into. Since when do you do a show and look at yourself the whole time? After the never ending drag show ended, they finally opened the dance floor and we decided to get on it. At this point the patrons had gotten cuter (and no I didn't drink that night at all). We were told that it would get better later and that was true. Ok I'll give them a few more points for honesty.

While we were dancing, I noticed a very attractive young man smiling at me. He has a gorgeous smile, great body and slick dance moves. He makes his way over to dance with one of the birthday boys. I can't hate on that. It's his birthday... We're all having a great time. I look over and notice that gorgeous smile is licking & sucking on his own finger. Now I'm thinking he's a freak *pause* I really had no idea how big of a freak but would soon learn... So birthday boy number two leans over and tells me that smiley face had the finger in question inside of birthday boy number one's ass. I said GTFOH. This has to be a lie. Which sign of The Apocalypse have we hit now? Doesn't matter...we've had more than enough signs that this night and the world as we know it will burn for all eternity at this point. So now I'm calling smiley face "booty finger" to everyone in the group. I'm disgusted. He starts dancing with me and I want to slit my wrists and bleed out on the floor right there. Birthday boy number two is cracking up because of my facial expression. My brother calls me Monk because I keep hand sanitizer with me and everyone I work with knows this about me as well. I was freaking out because I didn't have it in the club. I decide to suck it up and be a big boy. We're clubbing, the night is fun, I'm dancing with my friends and a cute nasty boy is humping me. What's not to love? The "dj" starts playing some some New Orleans bounce and now you see booties jiggling everywhere. You also see some disappointed faces because people had certain perceptions of some of the guys in the club that have now changed after seeing them bouncing their asses in front of these cracked mirrors. Anyhoo, the club finally shuts down and we're ready to go. I've been accosted by finger boy and his crew. The attention was nice, but at this point I'm wondering if I'd really talk to someone like this. Not to mention they were trying to get me to go home with them and it all made me remember why I don't club. I decline the cute freaky boy and his crew's advances and my friend comes to my rescue. I'd later discover that cute, nasty smiley face boy is one of my friends on Facebook. I sent him a couple of messages to confirm his identity. My friend was like, "Do you really wanna talk to a guy like that?" We were just chatting. No, seriously, he seems nice. STOP JUDGING ME! LOL. Meh...I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown and that life is Lucy. It keeps taking the football away right when I'm about to kick it. LOL. On a brighter note, I did a mini photo shoot in my bathroom that was well received by the lucky few who saw it. I would post the pics on the guys with androids website but errumm...yeah, I don't want to be infamous for that type of stuff. Ok so I got off on a tangent at the end here but, we had a great night despite everything. We really enjoyed each other's company and are planning to go out again next weekend. Someone help me!